SEX!! Now that I've got your attention let's talk about sex.

Ladies,

Yep, sex got you where you are today, pregnant, bloated, crazy (I mean 'hormonal).  You're not thinking about letting your man get up in them guts, you're thinking about decorating the nursery, your clothes no longer fitting, and oh yeah, pushing a baby out of your vagina hole in a few short months.  Right now you might as well have an blinking neon 'exit only' sign pointed downtown.

And we respect that, seriously, we do.  Here's the thing, as a man, our chemistry hasn't changed, we don't have a human life growing inside of us, and we're still horny.

How do we rectify this situation?

One word:  Anal.  JUST KIDDING!!  I'm joking, man, I almost lost you, I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.

Fellas,

Restrain from making those sorts of jokes, you might get your dick cut off.

And guys, this next part is for you, and I am by no means an expert, but I am looking back at "our" pregnancy in hindsight: 

Men, I'm sorry to say but you're going to have to put in some extra work, it'll be worth it though.  You have to make sure your lady is comfortable physically, emotionally, body image, all of that good stuff.  For a couple months my wife would only let me touch her while she was in the bath, which is a cool scenario anyway.  Light some candles, turn on the Blackstreet Pandora station, you're good to go.

You can also get her lingerie. 

Ladies, if your man gets you lingerie you have to wear it!  Even if it's a bumble bee Halloween costume or a silver American Apparel body suit (but guys, don't do that, get her something simple with maybe a sheer belly cover that emphasizes her humongous boobzz).

And, without getting too graphic, feel free to use a vibrating companion, plenty of lube, and if she doesn't want too much going on in her baby factory maybe C on her T's.

Any questions?

I Hope She's Bringing Sexy Back

I'll admit it, I'm a man with body issues.  I'm tall and "thin" but I by no means have a perfect body.  I don't have a muscular chest and my stomach has a pouch and you can see like two of my abs but the rest have fat over them, blah, blah, blah.  I mean, I look alright, but I'm no Channing Tatum.

My wife however, perfect body (her personality is cool too, whatever, that's not what I'm talking about right now) and she's had a perfect body her whole life.  She was one of those assholes running around with a six pack when she was like seven.  I hated (OK, to be honest, still kinda hate) those kids when I was a pale, chubby douche.

And when she got pregnant and started to show of course she looked so cute AND her boobs got huge, so she still looked awesome!

Then, after our son was born, I finally got my revenge.

I had been working out throughout her pregnancy as I'm known to do.  And since my drankin' patna was pregnant I had scaled back on the weekend binges (not fully of course, I still gotz to get mah drink on) so I was pretty fit relatively speaking for me.

But she was not happy with her war torn physique.  She had gone through over twenty hours of labor which had ended in a necessary cesarean section and her recovery time was going to be longer than a vaginal birth, plus you need some recovery time after giving any sort of birth ya know what I mean?

What I'm saying is she was not back in the gym the next day after a baby was surgically removed from her gullet.  In fact, she's not much for the gym anyway, she was naturally fit and did cheerleading and all that her whole life so she's never had to work out to stay sexy.  As Fergie would say, she wasn't 'all up in the gym working on her fitness' on a regular basis.

She finally felt self conscious about her body.  Yes!  Now she knows how I feel every day.  And she hated it and it made her feel bad... good.  Well, not good, but now we can relate about that struggle, so something positive has come from it.

But alas the final joke is on me.  Our son is now about to be five months old and Mrs. L. Huber is back in her pre-pregnancy jeans.  Damn it.  She's looking fine and all she had to do was keep eating exactly anything she wanted as always (and bust her ass working as a teacher, but whatever).

Eh, but at least I get to have sex with that body, I uh, I mean her and her wonderful personality traits and everything else I love about her.

Whew, good save, wait, why am I typing this?  And this?  And this?

And this?

Nocturnal E-Mission Statement

There's a lot of "Mommy Blogs" (probably, I didn't do too much research) by moms who decided to start up a blog to gush about how precious and special their little Bella or Edward is, and "Daddy Blogs" where the dad who is in touch with his sensitive side writes poetry about how his special child has made him a better man. 

This is not one of those blogs.

I'm a writer who happens to have impregnated his wife (I mean, we planned it, C-Babe isn't an accident). 

C-Babe is my unborn son, my (fake) name is Patrick L. Huber, and my wife's alias will be Mrs. L. Huber.  Mrs. L. Huber is an elementary school teacher, she's young and hot and the dads try to hit on her but I have that shit locked down (especially now that I put my seed into her).  I am a screenwriter who has had some things produced so I'm only a percentage as desperate as most self described "screenwriters" (speaking of terrible blogs).

My goal for this blog is to talk candidly about pregnancy and fatherhood in a humorous way (and get a book deal).  This blog will contain very little to no factual information and any advice given will be mostly for joke's sake.

So if you're a dad who's pretty young and wants to whine about their pregnant wife not giving it up when she's bloated on prescribed bed rest and/or a human who likes things that are funny, this blog might, nay, is definitely, for you my potential friend.

So, let me just start off with a bang, or lack thereof, by giving you my complete, unabridged sexual history.  Age 0 to 17 - meh.  17ish - did alright.  18/19 - met my future wife and we've been together ever since, we got married when we were 23.  I was a late bloomer who got married young but no regrets in that department.  My wife and I have had a healthy sexual appetite and relationship until she got pregnant (or is it we, we got pregnant?).

I only say any of that to set up this factoid, while my wife was pregnant she was repulsed by sex and therefore was not throwing me much of it whatsoever, I had my first and only nocturnal emission thus far as a twenty five year old grown ass man.

Damn.

An Alt title to this post could also be "Nocturnal Admission"...  nice.